- - Charlie Kirk’s death, Erika Kirk and the problem with grief policing

Charles Trepany, USA TODAYDecember 30, 2025 at 11:09 PM

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Grief is unpredictable. It's messy, and it can feel like a roller coaster. It's also a highly individual experience. Mental health experts say no two people grieve exactly alike.

So why do some get so judgmental about how others grieve?

One of the latest public figures to come under this kind of scrutiny is Erika Kirk, whose husband, conservative activist Charlie Kirk, was shot dead on a college campus in Utah in September. Since then, many online have been picking apart her every move.

Experts say judging someone's grief − or grief policing − stems from a belief that there is a right way to cope with a loss. That belief can vary among individuals and communities. Well-meaning people who try to control another person’s grief may misunderstand that grief is a singular experience or may be unwittingly trying to assuage their own discomfort.

One of the latest public figures to come under scrutiny from the grief police is Erika Kirk, whose husband, conservative activist Charlie Kirk, was shot dead on a college campus in Utah in September.

"Grief policing is feeling like you have the right to decide how someone grieves," says psychotherapist Stephanie Sarkis. "Someone's grief may not look the way that someone else expects it to look or thinks it should look, but it doesn't mean it's inappropriate."

Erika Kirk and why some people judge grief so harshly

Since Charlie Kirk's death, commenters have devoted entire internet threads to analyzing Erika Kirk's facial expressions and examining her outfits.

To the grief police, no way of grieving is satisfactory.

“The grief police feel like we are grieving too long, we're not grieving enough, we're crying too much, we're crying too little," author and grief expert David Kessler previously explained to USA TODAY. "We're too angry or not angry enough."

More: Ashley Judd's mother, Chrissy Teigen's baby and why we're so judgmental about grief

Kirk herself has commented on the pain she's been going through, describing it as vast and unpredictable.

"There is no linear blueprint for grief," she wrote on Instagram in October. "One day you’re collapsed on the floor crying out the name Jesus in between labored breaths. The next you’re playing with your children in the living room, surrounded by family photos, and feeling a rush of something you can only attempt to define as divinely planted and bittersweet joy as a smile breaks through on your face."

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Kirk's not the only public figure who's had to deal with the grief police. Chrissy Teigen and John Legend did too, after Teigen shared pictures from the hospital documenting the couple's rawest moments after the death of their baby son Jack in 2020. So did Ashley Judd, who got backlash online for not immediately sharing that her mother, country star Naomi Judd, died by suicide.

Grief policing takes many forms. It includes judging someone’s behavior, as well as judging the precipitating event. People tend to police others' grief in response to their own discomfort around death and loss.

"Everybody's path of grief is individual," Sarkis says, adding that grief policing often stems from someone's own feelings about the unpredictable nature of death.

More: The horrific Charlie Kirk video spread fast. How did we get so desensitized to violence?

And even when grief policing isn't malicious, it can be harmful.

Mental health experts explain others' reactions can cause the person who is grieving to examine their own behavior, become self-critical and search for nonexistent flaws in how they are feeling or acting.

Why grief policing thrives online

Grief police are everywhere, but especially online. A 2017 study by researchers at the University of Colorado Boulder performed an analysis of public Facebook comments in response to the deaths of Alan Rickman, David Bowie and Prince and found "prominent grief policing practices," concluding that "grief policing is a result of conflicting norms in a transient online space."

Behaviors around grief vary among individuals, communities and within family units.

"How people grieve is influenced by the relationship they had with the person they lost, also what our religion taught us, what our culture taught us and what our family taught us," Kessler explained.

The five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – are tools to help name what a grieved person may be feeling. But it's important to remember not everyone experiences every stage, and there is no set order.

If you're in the midst of grief, Sarkis says to treat yourself with patience and kindness − and to know the way you're grieving is entirely your own.

"You may feel devastation, you may feel sadness, but you also may have moments of joy or relief depending on the situation," she says. "And if someone says to you, 'You're not grieving the right way' or 'You should be doing this,' the thing is, you're following your own path."

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Charlie Kirk’s death, Erika Kirk and why the grief police need to stop

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